Keeping Clean Where the Sun Doesn’t Shine

by Mike Quartly

Skidmarks. How is it in this day and age, with all our advances in medicine and hygiene that some men still get skidmarks? Maturity and personal hygiene aside, there’s not a thing that will turn off a woman quicker than the familiar and foul smell of an unwashed bottom, especially before a little in-bed excitement.

I admit, I didn’t give this careful thought until I was in my late 20s and dating a girl that looked like a Barbie doll. I mean exactly like a Barbie doll, 36D, 0 waist and hair like a blonde waterfall. A woman like that would make any guy improve himself in a thousand ways and one was preventing any kind of ass-odor. A tried a few techniques, some worked and some didn’t, but here’s a few ways I learned to keep swamp ass from ruining our horizontal hobby.

  1. Most guys give their bottoms a cursory wipe, check the paper and then zip up. Yeah, don’t do that. You need to wipe until the paper’s clean. That means a few handfuls of toilet paper.
  2. Bidets aren’t standard in most homes, and that’s too bad, because they are handy. The next best thing? Baby wipes. They’re cheap and work very well. If they work on the nasty poop-puddings produced by babies, then they can work for you. After wiping clean with regular toilet paper, take a baby wipe and give your nether region another good wipe. That gives it a good cleaning and cuts down on any odor.
  3. How many pairs of underwear do you go through in a day? One. Well, there’s your problem. I change underwear two or three times a day. All the accumulated sweat and fecal material from the day are caught in the net of your drawers. Why would you leave them on all day? Every man should own twenty-one pairs of underwear, three per day.
  4. It’s just a good habit. Some people take showers in the morning, some take them at night. Me, I do both. I take a succinct, five-minute shower in the morning and a long, luxurious bath in the evening. If you gave up baths because of your hectic lifestyle, you don’t know what you’re missing. Sitting back in a tub of hot water and reading a magazine article is the height of relaxation.
  5. Nothing more than baby powder. I cringe when I hear of guys spraying cologne on their ass, but guys do it all the time. All that happens is that spray turns into a pungent cocktail of body odor, sweat and “other” odors. Baby powder, talcum powder or even plain old corn starch is all you need. And it’s much cheaper.


Believe me, your girlfriend or wife will appreciate the few extra minutes a day you spend keeping your crack clean. It doesn’t cost anything but five minutes a day, and what else were you going to do with those five minutes? I promise, this doesn’t make you a metrosexual. Just a guy with good hygiene. Women are a mystery most of the time, but one fact we know: women love men with good hygiene.


Mike Quartly
Mike Quartly


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