Keeping Clean with the 5-Minute Freshen Up

by Mike Quartly

Work ends at 5, and she wants you over at 5:30. In between is a 20-minute commute. The odds of sex are better than anything in Vegas. In those few minutes you have in between, how do you get rid of the accumulated stink of the day to prepare for some serious sack time? With a little planning and focus, it is possible. Here’s how.


What you need (all of this can fit in a small bag):

  • Clean pair of socks.
  • Clean pair of underwear.
  • Baby wipes.
  • Razor blade and shaving cream.
  • Cologne of choice.
  • Baby powder.
  • Toothbrush.
  • Mouthwash.
  • Plastic bag.


Follow these instructions carefully if you want to do this in 5 minutes.

  1. Lock the door. You’re going down to your skivvies.
  2. Get down to your birthday suit. Everything off. Your old socks and underwear go in the plastic bag. Your shirt and pants should be hung or, if necessary, draped over the back of the toilet bowl.
  3. Fill the bathroom sink with hot water and set the razor in it. If it doesn’t fill, turn the faucet on hot and set the razor beneath it.
  4. Use the first wipe on your face. Behind the ears, too.
  5. Take handfuls of the hot water and rub your face until your skin warms. Put on the shaving cream and let it sit.
  6. Another baby wipe for your chest, under your arms, around your neck.
  7. Use a fresh wipe on each foot (only one per foot!). Get between the toes, because that’s the source of the stink. Leave your socks off to let your feet dry.
  8. Use a fresh wipe on your legs and back.
  9. Use a fresh wipe for your privates, being sure to get all the crevices and then another fresh wipe on your ass. If the date turns out how you want, there’s a good chance that region will get some attention.
  10. Douse your hands with baby powder over the sink or toilet and then rub your hands until the powder doesn’t sprinkle freely. Pat down your body on down, being sure to get your underarms, your crotch and ass. Sprinkle a little baby powder between your toes.
  11. Shave.
  12. Tag a swig of mouthwash and then brush your teeth for 30 seconds, letting the mouthwash dribble out into the sink as you do.
  13. You should have about one minute left. Take that minute and just stand and cool down. Standing naked is a great way to cool down quickly. Just relax. This extra minute of meditation can prevent any sweaty anxiety.
  14. Time to apply your cologne. This is an art in itself. Since you’ll be seeing her soon, you don’t have time for the cologne to dissipate on its own. Spray a single pump into the air above your head and then walk into it, waiting a few more seconds before you get dressed. If you don’t have spray cologne, then dab some on your hands and put a couple pats on your neck. Be sure to wash your hands afterwards.
  15. Get dressed, get in your car and go get laid!

Mike Quartly
Mike Quartly


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